


Admitted

by my_mad_fatuation



Category: My Mad Fat Diary
Genre: F/M, Hospitals, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-13
Updated: 2017-11-13
Packaged: 2019-02-01 19:21:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,559
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12711327
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/my_mad_fatuation/pseuds/my_mad_fatuation
Summary: Rae is intrigued when a new boy appears in the psychiatric ward of the hospital.





	Admitted

**Author's Note:**

> Based on this prompt: https://my-mad-fatuation.tumblr.com/post/167079785733/i-asked-someone-to-write-a-duff-fiction-and-they

Rae kept hearing the staff talking about the new hospital administrator, who started a few months after she was admitted. Mostly it was the women who worked there talking about how attractive he was.

Rae had seen him a couple of times—at a distance—and didn’t see the appeal. He was no Dr. Nick, that was for certain.

Sometimes she would walk past Dr. Nick’s office repeatedly, hoping to catch a glimpse of him, maybe even bump into him in the hallway. Not that she ever knew what to say around him. She always turned into a babbling idiot whenever she saw him.

On one of her skulking visits to his office area, however, she spotted someone who actually managed to attract her attention more than Dr. Nick would have. Down the hall, near the vending machines, was a young man—the fittest young man Rae had ever seen.

She didn’t remember ever seeing him there before, so she assumed he was just a visitor. Well, she thought as she pulled her sleeve down over her hospital tag, she could pretend to be a visitor, too.

She walked up to the vending machines and stood behind him, like she was waiting her turn for them.

He looked over his shoulder at her for a second and then stepped aside. “Do you want to go first?” he offered. “I’m still making up my mind.”

“Er, no, that’s all right,” she said. “I’m still looking, too.”

He stood next to her and they both watched the vending machines for a while, as if something was going to happen if they stood there long enough.

When he finally made up his mind, he stepped up to the machine, put his change in, and made his selection. She watched as he bent down to pick up the packet of crisps that had been dispensed. The view made her want to cry, it was so beautiful.

“Cheese and onion?” she said when she saw what flavour of crisps he’d bought. “Won’t your girlfriend mind?”

“What?”

“You know, ‘cos when you go to kiss her with cheese and onion breath, she might not like that.”

“I, er, haven’t got a girlfriend,” he said, as if he didn’t realize that she was just teasing him.

“In that case, enjoy!” she said emphatically, like the babbling idiot she was.

“Thanks,” he said before turning to walk away.

“Wait,” she added. “Are you here visiting someone?”

“Er, no, not exactly.” He gave her a puzzled look. “Why?”

“Oh, no—Nothing,” she said. “Just curious. Bye.” She waved slightly and started to head back in the direction she came from.

“Er, wait,” he said, and she stopped to look back at him. “Aren’t you going to get something?” he asked, pointing at the vending machines.

“Oh, I just realized that I don’t have any money on me, so… Bye.”

And she hurried away, embarrassed, not even slowing down past Dr. Nick’s office.

***

Rae had started obsessing about the young man she saw at the vending machines. She returned to that spot for the next three days, hoping to run into him there again. But she didn’t.

She was starting to think she’d never see him again, when one day she was eating lunch with her friend in the psychiatric ward’s cafeteria and she spotted him.

“Oh my god, Tix!” she said, poking her friend’s lunch tray with her fork to get her attention.

“What?” asked Tix.

“D’you see that boy over there?” Rae nodded with her head in the direction of the boy from the vending machines, who was now lining up to get food.

Tix turned around to look. “You mean Danny Two-Hats?”

“No, beside him. The really fit boy,” said Rae.

“Okay, yeah, I think I see who you’re talking about.” Tix turned back to her friend. “What about him?”

“I met him the other day,” said Rae. “Well, sort of met him. I don’t know his name or anything. All I know is that he wasn’t visiting anyone when I saw him. And now he’s here, so I guess he’s a patient?”

“Looks that way.”

Rae watched him get his food and then look around the room for an empty table with his tray. There weren’t a lot of spots available, but there was one at their table, so she raised her hand in the air to get his attention and waved him over.

He frowned in confusion but walked over anyway.

“Hi,” she said as he stood next to their table. “We met at the vending machines, remember?”

“Yeah, I remember,” he said.

“Well, do you want to sit with us?”

“Er, okay, I suppose…”

“I’m Rae,” she added. “And this is Tix.”

“Hello,” said Tix, slouching away from him when he sat down beside her; she didn’t like making physical contact with other people, except Rae.

“Hi,” he said, looking down at his lunch.

“And you are…?” Rae asked when it seemed more information was not forthcoming.

“Oh, er, Finn,” he said. “My name’s Finn.”

“Are you crazy, too, then?” she said nonchalantly.

“I dunno, I mean, I think everybody’s a little crazy,” he replied.

“Yeah, but we’re _special_ ,” she joked. “We need to be locked up.”

He looked up at her and frowned again. “You aren’t actually locked up here, are you?”

“Not literally, no,” she said, trying not to laugh at the concern on his face. “We’re in the same position as you are.”

He didn’t say anything as he looked back down at his tray.

“Are you new, then?” she added in an attempt to keep the conversation going.

“Yeah, sort of,” he said. (She didn’t ask what he meant by “sort of,” but she could tell he wasn’t the chatty type.)

“Well, if you like, me and Tix here could give you a tour after lunch; show you all the cool spots to hang out,” she said.

“I’ve got an appointment after lunch,” said Tix. “But the two of you should go, anyway.” She looked at Rae and winked.

“It’s okay,” Finn said, also looking at Rae. “I don’t want to keep you from anything.”

“Yeah, well, I’ve got a big business meeting at four, and then a cocktail party at six, but I’m free before then,” she teased.

He looked down again but smiled a little. “All right, if it’s no trouble,” he said.

“No trouble at all,” she said. “All I ask for in payment is a packet of cheese and onion crisps.”

***

“First stop on our tour, the lounge,” said Rae as she and Finn walked down the corridor from the cafeteria. “I’m sure you’ve already been shown where it is when you first got here, but I’ve got the inside information for you.”

“Inside information?” he asked.

“Yes, like the TV, for starters,” she said. “Don’t even try changing the channel on it. Millie likes to have it on ‘Countdown’ all the time, and if you change it, she’ll come at you with her crochet hook.

“Also,” Rae continued, “she’s really good at Countdown; you won’t beat her.”

“Good to know,” said Finn.

“But over here,”—she gestured to a small cupboard over by some tables in the far side of the room—“we have the board games, including my favourite, Cluedo.”

She opened the cupboard to reveal an array of board games and decks of cards.

“Tuesday night is when a few of us younger folks get together to play, so you should join us then,” she added.

“I’ll think about it,” he said.

Rae continued to show him around, taking him to the duck pond in the courtyard, and showing him which vending machines in the building had the best snacks.

“And now,” she said, “my favourite part of the hospital—only, it’s not actually _in_ the hospital.”

“What?” he asked.

“It’s still on the hospital grounds, but it’s outside the hospital walls,” she explained. “You can sign yourself out for an hour, right?”

“Oh, er, yeah, I can get out,” he said, “but, erm, I have to go to the washroom first, so why don’t you go outside and I’ll meet you, just out front here.”

Rae wasn’t sure why he didn’t just ask her to wait for him, but she said, “All right,” and went to sign herself out.

In less than five minutes, he was outside as well.

“That was fast,” she said.

“No traffic,” he replied, and then smiled meekly. “That was just my lame attempt at a joke, sorry.”

“No, it was funny.” She laughed, though it sounded a bit forced.

“So, what is your favourite spot in the hospital that isn’t in the hospital?” he asked, clearly trying to change the subject.

“All right, this is going to seem really pathetic,” she said as they walked around the corner of the building. “But it’s this bench.”

They stopped in front of a bench that was tucked up into a corner between a wall and a wooden fence, with a tree on the other side that made it seem like it was almost completely enveloped.

“I just think it’s so cozy,” she added, taking a seat on it. “Hardly anyone comes back here, too, so it’s really peaceful.”

“You sure it’s safe?” he said.

“Why wouldn’t it be safe?”

“I mean, telling me about your favourite spot. Aren’t you afraid I might steal it?”

“I dunno,” she said. “You seem trustworthy.”

He gave her a tight smile and looked down at his shoes.

***

“So, how’d it go with Finn the other day?” Tix asked Rae as they sat in adjacent stalls in the ladies’ room.

“Oh, Tix, it was amazing,” said Rae. “He’s so gorgeous, and he’s really clever and funny, too.”

“Is he?”

“Well, he told a joke. Something about traffic. I don’t remember it, but he’s just wonderful.”

“There’s got to be something wrong with him, though,” said Tix. “I mean, he’s in _here_ , isn’t he?”

“Are you saying there’s something wrong with me?” Rae asked with mock indignation.

“Technically speaking, yes.” Tix giggled a little. “But, no, I think you’re perfect, Rae.”

“You’re sweet, Tix, but I am far from perfect.”

“Well, I think he’d be a fool not to think you are wonderful, too.”

“That would be nice, wouldn’t it?” said Rae.

“So, when are you going to see him next?” Tix asked.

“I don’t know,” Rae replied. “I haven’t seen him around the past couple of days. I hope he’s all right.”

“Well, let’s go looking for him after lunch, if we don’t see him by then, yeah?”

“That sounds good.”

***

Rae didn’t have to wait until after lunch to find Finn, though. She saw him sitting her usual table when she and Tix got to the cafeteria.

“Hiya,” she said to him as she sat down, before going to get her food. “Where’ve you been?”

“What?” he asked.

“I haven’t seen you around lately,” she said. “I was starting to think something had happened, that you’d wound up in another department or something.” She was only half-joking.

“Er, no, I’ve just been… I’ve had things to do,” he said, though he seemed nervous about it.

“Right, well, will you still be here when Tix and I get back with our lunches?”

He looked at his watch for a second, like he was in a hurry to get somewhere. “I think so,” he said.

“You’ve got an appointment soon?” Tix asked him.

“Sort of.”

Rae was getting kind of frustrated that he wouldn’t give a straight answer ever, but she forgave him in her mind. His awkwardness and reticence were part of his charm, she figured. (He must have been the most charming boy in the world, then, considering how awkward and reticent he was.)

Rae could barely get two words out of him at lunch, but he did leave half way through, so that made it more difficult for him to add to the conversation.

***

In fact, Rae didn’t hear another word from Finn until the next day.

She was sitting on her bench behind the hospital when he appeared, offering her a bag of crisps.

“Cheese and onion,” he said as he extended the packet towards her.

“What’s this about?” she asked when he sat down next to her, and she took the bag from him hesitantly.

“You said I owed you for giving me that tour the other day,” he said.

“I was kidding,” she said. “But thank you.”

“You’re welcome.”

“Can I ask you something, Finn?”

“I suppose,” he said.

“Why don’t you talk much?” she asked.

He looked down awkwardly—ah, how charming!—and shuffled his feet on the ground beneath the bench. “I dunno.”

“I mean, at lunch, when Tix was there, you hardly said a thing,” she continued. “When it’s just me, you talk a little more, but I was just wondering if that was why you’re here.”

“If what was why I’m here?”

“Do you have social anxiety?”

“Oh, er, I dunno,” he said. “I think I’m just shy. I can talk to people once I get to know them.”

“Then why are you here?” she said. She realized it wasn’t appropriate to ask such a thing, but her curiosity got the better of her.

When he didn’t say anything right away, she knew that she’d overstepped.

“Sorry,” she added. “I know that’s… I shouldn’t ask that.”

“No, it’s okay,” he said. “I just, I don’t really…”

She noticed him tug down on his sleeves, and it occurred to her that she’d never seen him in anything other than long sleeves, even though it was summer. It made her wonder…

“I think I know why you’re here,” she said somberly. “It’s probably for the same reason as I am.”

“I don’t know about that,” he said.

“You don’t have to tell me,” she added quickly. “But if you ever wanted to talk to someone who has been there…”

“Er, thanks, but I don’t think we need to talk about that.”

“Okay. I wasn’t trying to pry, honest.”

“No, I know that,” he said. “And it’s not that I don’t want to talk to you, but I think we’re probably here for different reasons.”

“You mean ‘cos of my arms?” she asked, pulling her own sleeves down over her forearms. “That’s not where I did it.”

“Really, Rae, you don’t need to tell me.”

She looked over at him and he was still staring down at his shoes. “But it’s nice to talk to someone who understands, who has been there.”

“I haven’t—”

“I mean, I don’t think we should discuss details; that’s not really allowed,” she continued, talking over him. “Like what exactly we did and how we did it. Because that could be a trigger, and blah blah blah. But no one else knows how it feels, Finn. The doctors, the nurses; they don’t get it. Crisp?” She opened the packet he’d given her and held it out for him to take one.

“I need to go, actually,” he said.

“Oh. Another appointment?”

“Sort of.”

“Well, do you want to have lunch tomorrow?” she asked when he stood up.

“Er, I dunno,” he said. “I’ll have to see if I’m busy.”

“Busy doing what?” She laughed.

He turned to look at her with a shy smile. “I have a big business meeting and then a cocktail party.”

“Oh, right, of course,” she said, laughing a little. “I’ll see you around, then.”

“Yeah. See you.”

***

But Rae didn’t see Finn for three more days.

She was starting to get really worried about him. If he was in the hospital for the reason that she thought, then maybe he had relapsed and was now in a different part of the hospital, having his wounds treated. She really hoped that wasn’t the case.

Perhaps his parents had signed him out for the weekend, she thought. Or perhaps he was on medication that made him tired and he was sleeping weird hours. Or perhaps—

She was unable to think of another possible explanation before she turned a corner and nearly smacked right into him.

“Whoa, sorry,” he said, holding onto her shoulders to keep her from falling over. “I shouldn’t have come barreling around that corner so fast.”

“No, it was my fault,” she said. “I was distracted and—”

“I was looking for you, actually,” he added.

“You—You were?”

“I was hoping we could talk,” he said. “Privately.”

“Er, yeah, sure,” she said. “Do you want to go outside?”

“To the courtyard, maybe. The duck pond.”

“All right.”

***

Rae and Finn made their way to the bench by the duck pond, out in the courtyard, before either of them spoke again.

“So…” she began, clasping her hands together on her knees.

“So…” he echoed. “I hear you’re getting out next week.”

“Where’d you hear that?” she asked.

“Er, Tix told me,” he said. “I hope that’s all right.”

“Yeah, just, I didn’t realize you knew.” _Or cared, for that matter,_ she thought. It was nice to know that he did, though.

“Yeah, well, I was just wondering if you wanted to, I dunno, hang out once you’re out of here,” he said.

She looked at him curiously. “Like coming back and visiting you?”

“Not exactly…”

“I don’t understand, then,” she said. “Are you getting out soon, too?”

“Not exactly…” he repeated.

“Okay, then I’m confused and—”

“I’m not a patient,” he blurted out.

“What?”

“I’m—I’m not a patient here.”

“But… But you said you weren’t a visitor.”

“I said I wasn’t _visiting anyone_ ,” he said. “Which is true, sort of. I’m only here because… Because…”

Rae clenched her hands into fists. It felt like her skin was crawling. “Because what?”

“Because my dad is the new hospital administrator,” he said, “and I come by sometimes to ask him for money and to eat free food from the cafeteria—the one in the psych ward is the best in the hospital, so that’s why I was there.”

“So you’ve been lying to me?”

“I’ve been omitting the whole truth, I suppose.”

“But I thought you—I thought… I thought we were the same!” She got up and hurried back towards the hospital before she started crying.

She felt so betrayed that she couldn’t stand it. How could someone lie about something like that? How could he pretend he was a patient, pretend he was like her? She thought they had so much in common.

When she got back to her room, though, she thought about it some more. He’d never actually _said_ that he was a patient. And he never _said_ the reason he was there. So perhaps he hadn’t lied, exactly. But he certainly hadn’t told the truth.

She hoped to never see him again so she wouldn’t have to deal with it.

***

Of course, Rae never seemed to get what she hoped for, and she ended up seeing Finn again the day before she was scheduled to leave the hospital. She didn’t expect him to show his face again, considering he hadn’t been back to the cafeteria since she stormed off.

But there he was, sitting at a table in the lounge with some of the other young folks in the ward, waiting for Tuesday night games to begin. She turned to leave as soon as she saw him there, but he noticed her and got up to come talk to her.

“Rae, wait,” he said as he tried to catch up.

She spun back around to face him. “Do they all know about your little secret?” she asked, pointing towards the lounge where the others were still sitting.

“Yeah, I told them,” he said. “Look, I didn’t mean to upset you or anything, and I certainly didn’t mean to lie to you, but I thought if you knew the truth that you wouldn’t, I dunno, you wouldn’t want to see me anymore.”

“The reason I don’t want to see you anymore is because you didn’t tell me the truth!” she said.

“I know that now,” he replied, looking downward to avoid her glare. “And I’m really sorry about it. But I swear, I haven’t told anyone any of the stuff you’ve said to me. I am trustworthy, honest.”

Rae sighed and dropped her shoulders. “I mean, maybe I overreacted a little when you first told me the truth, but I still think what you did was wrong.”

“Agreed,” said Finn, finally looking at her again. “But do you think one day you might be able to forgive me? I’d really like to see you again.”

“Really?”

He nodded.

“Maybe… some day… I might be able to forgive you,” she said.

“What about Friday night? Will you forgive me by Friday night?” he asked.

“Why, what’s Friday night?”

“Well, I’ve got a big business meeting in the morning, and an early cocktail party in the afternoon, but after that, I was hoping you and I could go out…”

She tried not to smile as she considered his offer. “Throw in a packet of cheese and onion crisps, and you might have a deal,” she said. “But I’m still mad at you until Friday, got it?”

“Got it,” he said, unable to keep the smile off his face either.

“All right, what are we playing tonight?” she asked as she headed back towards the lounge.

“Cluedo.”


End file.
